Playful gadgets to rekindle your love and wet your palette

I’ll never forget those carefree days, sipping Boone’s Farm and MD 20/20 in the bed of a pickup outside the football field or chugging Jolly Rancher infused Zimas on the beach after school. I was 14, eager for new experiences, and in love…

…with alcohol.

But let’s not pussyfoot around the reality of the situation. After a decade-long relationship with drinking some of the magic is gone. Alcohol and I have taken our breaks here and there–I’ve even lusted after other mood-altering substances–but despite our ups and downs over the years I’ve come to know that alcohol is the one for me. I’m still very much enamored with drinking, but there’s no harm in spicing up a loving relationship with a few gadgets and games. Heck, one might even want to include another girl… Or a whole group of friends… The possibilities, well, they’re endless.

All that being said, here are a few fun ideas for anyone else that needs a little more “happy” in their Happy Hour:

Exhibit A: Machine Gun Beer Bong

Get ready to feel the powerful thrust of that satisfying amber liquid squirting down your esophagus. No permits necessary to assault your friends with 22oz of delicious brew. The only drawback to this device is not that its novelty far outweighs its merits as a means by which one can expedite alcohol consumption, it’s that I can’t fucking find out where to buy it and how much it is, a dilemma so infuriating that I’d turn my machine gun beer bong on myself if I knew how to go about getting one.

Exhibit B: Russian Roulette Beer Bong

Well, HERE’s a good way to end up in the hospital. The premise behind this game isn’t incredibly hard to deduce. The name pretty much says it all. What it fails to mention is that if you are the poor schmuck that “pulls the trigger” so to speak and end up getting booze blasted down your throat you probably shouldn’t have an overly sensitive gag reflex because 2 effing liters of liquid are coming at you. I seriously expected the loser to have to drink a half a beer, a full can at the most, but nothing close to 2 liters! You’re pretty much pwnd after one round if you lose. Anyway, I can’t say I personally endorse this one, but it seems like something my guy friends from college would own so I’ll assume that it appeals to the few people that enjoy binge drinking even more than I do.

Exhibit C: Dong Bong

Like s-ing the d? Here ya go. Also, you’re gay.

Exhibit D: Reusable Vertical Ice Luge

Ice Luges have always had pretty douchy connotations in my mind. I have only been to two kinds of parties in which Ice Luges were present. First, Mardi Gras in Galveston (aka Douchefest ‘[insert year here]). Sure, there’s ice cold booze gliding oh so gracefully down your throat, but the chick next to you just took her shirt off for some 4 cent plastic beads and then threw up on the curb before letting out a howl of victory. Mmmmhmm just the kind of down-home Texas gal you want to bring home to mom. The second type of party I’ve been to at which an ice luge was present is the douchy kind of val party that goes on just about every night of the week in the San Fernando Valley. All the dudes look like they are from the Jersey Shore and all the chick’s are “actresses” (in Val-Speak that means porn). The girls might insist that they have to be on set in the morning…but the set is a garage in Chatsworth. EWWWWWWWWWWWW. Anyway, you can understand my apprehension.

HOWEVER, this site sells “the only reusable vertical ice luge” and they look pretty neat. They actually are not the only place that sells these, but they do look pretty rad. There are all kinds of tips for making different “runs” for your booze, setting it up for two person action, creating different colors for your ice, etc. And did I mention that you can buy an LED light tray that will illuminate your ice luge in a variety of colors. I don’t know about you, but I LOVE things that glow. All girls like shiny, sparkly, colorful shit. So my recommendation: drop the 50 bucks, make it big and pink, and let the girl you like wrap her lips around that...it can’t go wrong.

HOLY FUZZY BUNNY!!!!!

THIS IS THE CUTEST EFFING KID IN THE WORLD!!!!

For a minute there my ovaries started to squirm. I could totally have one of those cute little buggers one day!

annnnnnnnnnnd nevermind.

Back to the drawing board…

It’s been done… http://www.geekologie.com/2008/10/halloween_ideas_sexy_star_wars.php

The only Teletubbies video I will ever allow my nieces and nephews to watch:

www.wasntme.com

Blacked out and lasting impressions

All-time Top 5 Labor Day weekend Pictionary picks

5. Afterbirth-Yes, effing disgusting, but very appropriate what with all the dead baby jokes going around this holiday weekend. I believe the boys (this was a word picked by the ladies during the bros vs. classy females round) almost got this one.

4. Mangina-An excellent play by Matty O. I am shocked the other team didn’t get this one. Seriously, you draw a man and  a vagina. Man-Gina. Not that difficult. But certainly disturbing.

3. Number 3 on the list was not actually a word, but just a drawing of a penis [see exhibit A under "Nastylicious"]. This is what happens when you try to play games that require a little thought and creativity with a bunch of offensive, drunk 20-somethings that have been bathing in 100+degree weather and alcohol for three days straight.

2. Boarlock-The existence of “boarlocks” was [quite drunkenly] disputed for a good part of Saturday night. Banking on my friends’ ignorance, I finally convinced the majority that boarlocks are creatures from the Harry Potter series. Though this is false, I still stand by their existence and imagine they would look something like this.

And the #1 Pictionary word from Labor Day weekend 2009 is…

1. Nastylicious-

If memory serves this was another winning word from our host with the most. There was a valiant but failed effort by his brother to draw licorice and something…well…nasty. Well played by all.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

It’s official…

Oh, Brady, you Cunning[ham] bitch! Brady has successfully taken Jason Schwartzman off the market. (At least she’s cute.) I guess I can’t blame the guy (though I was mildly horrified when he didn’t fall madly in love with me at Malibu Yogurt 3 years ago). In addition to being pretty darn adorable, Ms. Cunningham/Mrs. Schwartzman designs some pretty sweet hipster threads that will pair quite nicely with bangs, scarves and ballet flats.

Anyway, sorry hipster girls (and guys), Mr. Schwartzman is now…Mr. Schwartzman with a wife. But don’t worry, I’m sure Wes Anderson will make a gazillion more movies starring Jason (or a Wilson brother or Bill Murray) for us to enjoy. Luckily, for now we can all watch Jason play the quirky and misunderstood lead on HBO’s new series Bored to Death. Basically, a brokenhearted Schwartzman, or Jonathan Ames, drinks a bunch, smokes some pot and subsequently loses his love interest (sounds like he’s winning thus far, right?). Anyway, he gets all sad and crazy like you sometimes do and the obvious solution is to wallow in Raymond Chandler novels. Logically this leads to Ames putting an ad on Craigslist advertising his services as a Hard-boiled P.I. (Seems about right.) Anyway, apparently Brooklyn’s Craiglisters are in dire need of detectives and thus Ames becomes a busy man. Obviously as he is not a real detective, one can only presume that hilarity will ensue. Did I mention Schwartzman’s character, Jonathan Ames, is named after the show’s creator who happens to be a very funny  writer and creator of a very prestigious architectural award? Anyway, should be clever. Starts September 20.

Speaking of HBO…True Blood is almost over…oooooheeeeeemgeeeeeee! But that’s a whooooole other post…

Death Egg Zone? This calls for a victory tune.

Weekly “What the F#@k!?” Vol. 8.2

The second week of August 2009’s definitive “What the F#@k!?” moment went something like this:

(*Names have been changed to protect the disgusted and disturbed)

Saraline*: Mom, you’re in town, so come have dinner with me.

Mom: Ugh, fine. But I’m going to be tired and grumpy the entire time because my boyfriend and I are on the rocks.

Saraline:

Mom: Fine. (siiiiiiiiiiiiigh)

Saraline: !

*Fast forward to Sake House circa 11:00 PM Saturday night*